Go with a smile!

Friday, April 02, 2010

Teapot part 2

Part 1

I was silent for a while before she asked me, out of the blue, if I was going to participate in some company games. I said no, curious about why she asked me that. A few weeks later, I had some reason to ask her for stuff. Later on, on a whim, I just asked her out. We met, and then had a steamboat dinner. We were originally going to catch a movie after that, but since that movie was “500 Days of Summer”, where the guy gets dumped in the end, I was happy not to watch it. We had our first good talk. But she did ask me a few uncomfortable questions which seemed to hint to me that I might not be what she’s looking for. But it went well, and she even talked about me giving her piano lessons.

We thought about going to the cinema afterwards, but in the end, we just said goodbye. I walked her home. She was in a good mood that night, and was humming to herself on the way home. Because of that I was in a good mood too. However it was a Wednesday, and I had foregone doing something that I normally do on Wednesdays, in order to make it on time for a date with her. I went right back to office to get it done.

After that, I thought about how our lives were drastically different. She was somebody who moved around people the way a fish moves around water. Her life was centred around people, and she just hung around as many people as she possibly could. I, on the other hand, had a few pet projects to do, and I’ll do my life’s work (or at least I’ll try to do it) during my own time. I appreciate the people who pass through my life, but that’s not the main thing. We have very different priorities.

Funny thing was that the piano she had in mind was in her office building, even though it was a secluded part of the office building. I thought it was weird. But it was weird that we had to date, possibly in view of the other people in her office watching. Then again, it must have seemed even more weird to her that 2 people in the same company were going out, and we had to be secretive about it.

I can’t remember much of the exchanges that took place around that time. Later on, we went on another date. This time, we talked about going for a simple movie. It was “Astro Boy”, and I agreed to go, even though I didn’t like the movie. Unfortunately, the day before the date, I stayed up late. First, there was tennis at night, and after that, I was messing around with the main computer that my household shared. To my consternation, it crashed. I stayed up, trying to make it work again, I succeeded, but not before sleeping at 2. The next day, I was yawning throughout the movie, must have seemed really obnoxious to her, especially if it was clear that I didn’t enjoy it. I could tell that things weren’t going well that night.

Of course, the thinking about what to say to her took mental effort, even though I should have been wary: I’m not cloistered around a small area. I live in a relatively large world. I read many books, I’ve seen quite a few things. And same goes for her. And if 2 people who live in such large worlds don’t have anything to say to each other, then what hope is there? That’s the problem with our world today. It’s become so large, that people can just live in their niches and pass through each other like ships in then night. It’s not like the old days where people all had to have common lives, common interests that they may not completely like, even though it gives them something to talk about to each other.

You had to think of her life, and what she valued. She valued her friendships, her relations with her department. I hardly knew them. It was going to be awkward in any case. Ultimately the odds were stacked too heavily against me.

There were a few conversations that stood out. Like how she said that she was always busy. I said, well, OK. Good people are busy. Then she asked me if I thought that I wasn’t a good person. Why the hell would I not be a good person? Was she fobbing me off now? I bored her. That was when I suspected that it was not going to work out.

Impulsively, I told her that I liked her a lot. That was very cold of me. It’s like saying, “you either continue going out with me, or we can end this friendship right now.” It’s my way of slamming the door on her. But in the end my motives were suspect. Why did I go after her when I wasn’t sure I wanted her as a friend? When a girl wants you as a friend, it is a way of allowing herself to not feel so bad about rejecting you. But I didn’t want that. We should just go back to being strangers.

I felt upset for 2 weeks after that but I got over it quickly, as far as I can tell. It’s easy to say that you’re OK, and easy to say that you’ve forgotten her, but these things leave their traces behind, in the form of the attitudes that you take in the future. Maybe you’re not going to be as enthusiastic the next time around. Maybe when you meet the next one you will just want her to suffer a little bit more. Anyway the sting was nowhere as long and as deep as it had been on a certain previous occasion.

As I mentioned earlier, I’m still not sure who I should be going after. Maybe in a way I’ve never been in love, or never got past that drug hit of being in love for the first time, to the more solid footing of a steady relationship. The way I put it to myself after leaving codfish was “it’s just like being a drug addict isn’t it? It’s just needing her all the time, the way you need drugs all the time.” It was just something shameful and degrading.

OK, I called her “teapot” because she was short and stout. But also because she’s hot. I suppose it was somewhat superficial why I went after her. I wasn’t really thinking of her as a girlfriend. But she was approachable, which was probably the main reason why I made an attempt. I didn’t think we were especially compatible. What was attractive was that she seemed so normal, seemed to have a social life. She was possibly the sanest person that I was attracted to (although she’s a little too emotionally involved to be working for my company). There are some ladies who would remark that I'm too nerdy. True enough, but a lot of the times the girls would be not nerdy enough. Where's the geek talk about philosophy, movies, politics? Geeks have standards too.

I don’t see her much after that. But at least I found out if things were going to work out. (They weren’t.)



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